Holy crap that's funny!

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Let’s face it: Twitter followers are annoying and the fewer of them you can have, the better. Nobody wants a screen full of “@HCTF_Rob – Yeah man, you totally are the coolest dude EVAAAR!”. To help you dwindle down the Twitter noise I’ve cooked up this easy to follow 10-step guide.

1. Profess your hatred for the Obama administration and commit your allegiance to Dick Cheney. Studies show that 115% of Twitter users are Obamaniacs. Just this first step alone should cut out 80% of your followers. NOTE: Do not, under any circumstances, use the term “Ron Paul” unless you instantly want thousands of bot-account followers.
2. Tweet from the bathroom. You don’t have to go as far as posting up pictures. Just describe length, diameter, consistency, odor and flush count.
3. Post tweets every 5 minutes for three hours straight. Nothing pisses people off more than to have an entire screen full of tweets from a single person with informative snippets like “@HCTF_Rob – Yeah man!”. For bonus points don’t let any single tweet exceed three words.
4. Acquire a massive collection of NSFW ASCII art and fire at will. Nothing says “stop following me” quite like  this little piece I have titled: “Man sauce on silver dollar sized  nipples”         8===D ~~~ ( o Y o )
5. Substitute random verbs with F-Bombs. People seem to self-censor on Twitter by throwing in f*cking asterisks like you don’t know what the f*ck they are f*cking talking about. D*uche F*ucks.
6. Abuse the power of tinyurl. In order to stay under the 140 character limit everybody uses tinyurl to shrink link sizes. The best part is that the unsuspecting fool has no idea what they are really clicking on. Goatse anyone?
7. Assault your viewers retina with the power of alternating blue and red. Nothing says “OMG, MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE” like an 800×600 profile background of seizure-filled fun. Sure, you may be liable for a few deaths but I never said shedding those die-hard (or die easy?) followers would be neat and tidy.
8. Rip on iWhatever users. iPod, iPhone, iMac, iDildo – It doesn’t matter. You’re sure to shed a shit-load of followers by mocking either the “Mac guy” from the ads or His Holiness, Steve Jobs.
9. As a preventative measure to ward off potential new followers I suggest an auto-responder to send a DM to the new follower. Verbally assault them by pointing out their obviously poor choice in following you. Throw in a reference to sexually assaulting their mother for good measure.
10. Post links to 1,459 “Top 10 <insert something here>” Digg articles. Seriously folks, they were useful about 5 years ago. Wait. Nope. They weren’t useful then either. On second thought, just skip posting the Digg links and post a link to this article instead.

Tags: Followers, HCTF Guide, Top 10, Twitter

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 28th, 2009 at 9:00 am and is filed under HCTF News, computers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.